[Hutchy]

Alright, Blu, next round.

• ‘when he was a boy of 8’ We still have this problem, you need to describe the events of the time between his birth and the age of 8. Did he learn anything? Did his parents treat him differently after their other son got taken, also on that note, did his parents change at all after that event? It’s understandable that he wouldn’t know the difference, but for the realism of the story, we’d like to know the changes.

• ‘fleeing underground in a former Xitan Bunker’ No side has the knowledge to build bunkers of this kind. Bare in mind that the setting is based in a medieval-esque period. An abandoned mine wouldn’t be out of the question, but you must bear in mind the risks that come with that. Please revise.
  ‘Down there, there were beds, a few food rations, and weapons.’ Following on from this point, please remember that a place being abandoned would leave it and it’s contents in a bad state disrepair… and any food in there would likely have spoiled.
  Additionally, why did they opt to settle in the first hole in the ground they found rather than trying to find a larger settlement?

• ‘Due to the lack of water, and low food resource, one man had to get food and water for the group.’ Two problems here. First, we need to know the size of the group, and second, depending on this, one guy going out there to gather might not be sufficient for a group larger than three or four.

• ‘The village starved that night.’ Why did they not store anything they gathered? Why would they only gather enough for one night? Why would they not try to make farmland on the surface? Please elaborate.

• ‘Still his father was thought of as a traitor’ Why would they still think he’s a traitor if his body was found by another gatherer? Wouldn’t that indicate that he was doing his job? Also, was it obvious what happened to him, any large or obvious injuries? Please elaborate.

• ‘And Punched him In the nose so hard that it bled’ Getting punched that hard would almost certainly break the nose. It’s not difficult to do. Getting hit like that could disarm most men, nevermind a fellow child, and end the fight there and then. Please revise.

That's all for now. Bump this thread when you have finished the necessary edits and we can continue.