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[Trashed] My whitelist Application
#1
IGN:manorbros
why do you want to join: i want to join because i think i have found a good rp server and not like others where its just not serious roleplay.
do you have any rp experiance: i have rped on games like wow and swtor and minecraft i know the rp things like ic ooc meta gaming god moding and power gaming.
tell us a bit about yourself: i am your average joe rper i like rp i find it very enjoyable and fun and when rping with good rpers the adventure fells alot more alive and i like that.
Character Biography: Achon Lelo was born a son to a middle class blacksmith in the Middle realm. His mother died at his birth and for the first few days after birth, his father Bechon wanted to throw him away do to him feeling Achon responsible for the death. This went on for a week and then Bechon felt ready to raise Achon. He took him under his wing and tried to teach him to be a smith at the age of one he started learning and he was a quick learner after 3 months of training he could forge an entire sword with his fathers help still but most of it he did himself. He became a great supplier for the village giving the town guard's weapons and armor to fight of bandits. When he reached 18 he joined the town guard his father of course worried every day that Achon will not come home. Achon stayed in the guard for 24 years in the time he married a lovely girl named
Kara that was a bandit that attacked a caravan he managed to save her for she was being used as bait for the bandits were using here to get the captain of the guard and kill him. Alchon thinking her a simple town girl jumped in and saved her from the failed fake bandit attack. After he found out that she was a bandit he threw her in jail he was charged guarding her in that time they fell in love and when she got freed they had a great wedding and she joined the guard as well. One day three Lucin's came in to the town running from one of the Xitian warriors the Lucin's with the help of the guard defeated the Xitian. The three Lucin's decided to stay and help the town grow with there great power's they aided all the people including Bechon who was old and was lonely. They opened a school called Trekon School of light every year they would choose a person from the town who will learn in the school for 20 years.
The first person they chose was Achon who was forced to leave his life including his job, his father and his wife. He was sent to the School of light in the first days he was very sad and did not know why a simple guard was chosen for such a position. When time came on he learned there ways and learned the way of light. (Achon became a monk not a light mage) He soon accepted his role and after the training was complete he returned to his town to find all in his life has changed his wife remarried his father dead because of this he entered a great rage and soon left the great town and went looking for a new better life. He said to himself " With the knowledge i am armed the power to defeat foes i will regain what i lost for it is my right i am Achon Lelo Guardian of the weak and the first chosen by the three wise Lucin's i will get my life back.
Description:
Achon is a 62 year old man he looks as if he is 31. in combat he uses his fist and any sword he can find do to his training with fists in the School and a sword because he was in the guard. He often wants to communicate and not go to violence if the target is evil and violence cannot be avoided he will try to learn about the target.
Personality:
Achon is very strong he was trained in the school for many years in the lore of the world and the way of the light for that he respects it. He is very helpful and kind to other light givers and will try to help whenever he can. He will also go and try to find a home for himself because he had lost one when talking about love with him he will get slightly angry. He is still trying to forget most of his past and pave a way for his future.
Likes and Dislikes:
Achon likes a great battle very much he dislikes thieves and thievery however his wife was once a bandit and will try to help redeem the thief even when being a petty pick pocket of it be a crime lord. Achon very likes lost lore and knowledge and will treat it with the most respect often giving it to a Lucin.

Skills:
Sword skill (high)
Hand Combat (high)
Lore of the world (high)
Pick pocketing(high) (was taught by wife along with all other thief skills)
Smithing (medium)
Lock Picking (medium)

do you bring anything with you:
Smithing mallet
Guard symbol
Kara's Flower
Lucin Light book

Anything else: my Character village was very far from everything he only heared story's of the great Salazar and his portals.
#2
Hello there, manorbros. I'm one of the whitelisters here, just to let you know that your application is being reviewed and you will receive feedback shortly.
#3
Alright, Manorbros, I'm Hutchy and I'm back with your feedback.
  • Your backstory needs more relation to the setting's lore, which can be found here. There needs to be some relation to the lore to help us see how and why this character fits into the setting. While it is possible that the character's location can be so remote, word of a civil war, cultural slavery and such still travels and could have had an effect on previous generations. Being 68 years of age, Achon would have been born before the Age of Rebirth and should have some knowledge of the Xitians’ slaving. Please re-read the lore and keep what you learn in mind as you make the edits.
  • Your character’s backstory doesn't do a lot to explain personal growth over his life. The backstory needs to show more description of how he was as a child, how he was through adolescence and then into adulthood. It is necessary that we see how the character has changed over the years before arriving in the setting. Please work on this.
  • Seventeen years seem to pass in the story with no explanation of what happened in between. You should try to tell the reader what has occurred in that time. Did he gain any new skills, acquaintances? Did any other life changing events take place?
    This also applies some way into the story when 44 years pass with not a lot of description of what happened in between, besides falling in love and being taught by Lucins. Please elaborate on this point.
  • 'He took him under his wing and tried to teach him to be a smith at the age of one' I'm afraid that this simply isn't possible in a realistic setting, nevermind being able to make a sword after three months of training, even with help. At such a young age, Achon would have only just started to practice the necessary motor skills to stand. Though blacksmithing apprentices start at a young age, usually around 9 years and up, in those times, this does not work. Please revise this.
  • As the last point, the character's backstory must end with their arrival in the Forbidden Lands, where the RP setting is located. Please add this to the backstory in your next edit.

That's all for now, please bump the thread when you have made your edits and we can continue.
  


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